Sunday, December 4, 2011

The 12 Days of Christmas - Day 4

HO! HO! HO!  Time for some trashy holiday humour...

Some days, especially during the holidays, we all need a good laugh!  After a Saturday of fighting traffic at the mall, waiting in line FOREVER to pay for purchases and with our wallets feeling decidedly lighter, it just feels so good to just sit back, relax and have a good belly laugh.  Here's a fun "tongue in cheek" Christmas laugh... Jeff Foxworthy style ... the movie in my head just runs wild imagining Foxworthy's voice telling it... even though it is not one of his routines! 

If this isn't your type of humour... please skip today's offering and come back tomorrow!  It is not meant to offend in any way.

Billy Gene Bob's Trailer Park
Christmas Tour of Homes

"We're so happy you could join us for our very first Billy Gene Bob's Trailer Park Christmas Tour of Homes. We've long felt that everyone, not just those with search warrants, should enjoy our holiday decorations. And remember: All proceeds of the tour goes into the trailer park Yuletide Bail Fund.

"As we make our first stop, please note the cunning use of old tires to form a Christmas tree on the lawn. Yes, they're usually painted white. But if you'll lift one of the tires you'll see that only one side is white, while the other is red and green. This way, they can be flipped over for a festive holiday decoration.

"You can see as we enter the trailer that they favor traditional decorations. The tree is set in a lard can wrapped in a plastic liquor store sack with a Christmas motif. See how they use lights to frame the velvet painting of Elvis. In keeping with their traditional Christmas theme is the Super Large plastic soft drink cup with Christmas decorations incorporated into the design, a memento of the Christmas when the in-laws dropped charges and the family celebrated by eating out.

"Here at our next home, let's pause to admire the workmanship of the decorations, and the care in arranging them for just the right effect. As you can see, the trailer is decorated in early American Honky-Tonk. Note the beer logo formed by miniature lights. Here we have another unusual Christmas tree, made from hub caps, and lit by the cheery glow of a floodlight.

"As we pass the wreath made from discarded cigarette packs, notice that the theme continues inside the trailer. A small Christmas tree is set on the bar, which is decked with garland and miniature lights. Peanuts in bowls and a jar of pickled pigs feet set in a wreath completes the charming effect.

"At our next trailer, we have a delightful departure from tradition. The car up on blocks in the yard is decorated with lights. If you'll look close, the car has a bumper sticker that says "I brake for reindeer." Here at the base of the steps, we have poinsettia set in a discarded commode. On the door we have a wreath made from a toilet seat, which frames a plastic bas relief of Santa Claus. And if you'll pay close attention to the "Back Off!" welcome mat, you'll see that it's made from a discarded mud flap.

"But once inside, the theme shifts to an old-time Christmas. We're greeted by a cheery fake cardboard fireplace. A delightful touch is the aluminum Christmas tree, complete with spotlight and color wheel - a real treat for children who've never enjoyed an old-time Christmas. A cardboard Santa Claus salvaged from a soft drink display ad is propped in the corner, and the holiday Christmas card holder is full of seasonal delinquent payment notices.

"Um . . . we now come to our next home. A manger scene decorates the front lawn. They have an unusual display near the front of the trailer - a back lit silhouette of three men on camels riding towards a town. A single blue light gives the illusion of a star. The words 'Wise men still seek him' are prominently displayed below. The door is decorated with a wreath of holly, and inside we find a typical Christmas tree, and a family Bible open to the 53rd chapter of Isaiah on the coffee table. You can see the religious theme predominates, with another nativity scene on the end table. I really must apologize. I honestly don't know what they're thinking, bringing religion into Christmas.

"Ah, here's a more cheery home. Notice the life-size deer targets decked in lights. A sign saying "Santa BETTER stop here" is whimsically placed on the lawn beside a mineral lick and shelled corn. Inside you'll notice that the nine mounted deer heads are all wearing Santa hats, and the one on the end has a red ball on its nose. See how all the gifts under the tree are wrapped in camouflage pattern paper and with green and brown ribbons and bows. A tape of dogs barking to the tune of "Jingle Bells," along with the deer-scent potpourri, gives the trailer a nice holiday air.

"You can see by the mud bogging truck as we approach our next home that . . . Oh dear. I thought those blue lights were decorations. And I see the deputies have a barricade across the lower end of the trailer park. I'm sorry, but this concludes our tour of homes. Thank you for coming, and please, give patrol cars the right-of-way as you leave.

Copyright © 1999, 2004 by Kevin J. Cheek.